Gold's Gym Downtown = People-Watching Heaven

As some of you may know, I am working part-time at Gold's gym in downtown Austin.  I have the "privilege" ( I think this is how I shall denote sarcasm from here on out) of working the front desk, and so I am by default the face of the gym.  I am the first person people see when they walk in and the last one when they leave.  Over just a short amount of time, I have learned that this is both a gift and a curse.

First of all let me set the scene for you, if you are so "unlucky" as to be unfamiliar with downtown Austin.  Gold's gym is set on the corner of 6th and Congress downtown.  This is quite an infamous corner, as a matter of fact, I've often heard it referred to as "weirdo central."  Actually I just realized I could write an entirely separate blog about downtown Austin in particular, but for the purpose of this blog I will just make a short list of some of my favorite characters that frequently loiter the four corners of 6th and Congress.  For posterity sake, I have given some of them names.

1.  Mr. Jazzy McSingerson.  He is a love-able older black gentleman that will sing you a tune about just how beautiful you are while mixing in a little ode to his love of McDonald's cheeseburgers.  It makes you happy and hungry at the same time.

2.  Ms. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.  You can probably guess why I have given this lady this name.  It is apparent from her rantings to ANYONE and EVERYONE within a 2 foot radius of her that she probably experimented with a little too much LSD back in her hay day.  Lucy seems a little angry and bitter about how the Romans stole her idea about the internet and owe her a million dollars.  While I try to kindly listen as she tells me this as I walk by she still threatens that she will kick my ass if I cross her like the Romans did.  I can promise you this, I will NEVER cross Ms. Lucy, and nor should you.

3.  Indian Joe.  Indian Joe is a wiry little man, probably about 5'7'' and 110 pounds soaking wet.  He wears no shoes while pacing the soiled streets of downtown, but he does don a headband with quite a beautiful array of spritely white tail feathers.  Where he gets these feathers I really don't want to know.  Sometimes he carries around a long wooden stick with beads and more colorful feathers attached, as if he is a Medicine Man or something of the like.  He never speaks or even looks at anyone, but just proceeds to cross the cross-walks of the 4 corners of 6th and Congress in a clock-wise square pattern, over and over and OVER again.  I haven't seen Indian Joe in a while.  Maybe he made it back to the reservation.  Although, I don't think he is actually a Native American, just a very tan caucasian man.

4.  I will not elaborate on this one, just state the one of the most annoying sequence of words known to mankind.  "Would you like to help save the world today?"  Green Peace Volunteers.  Their ability to persevere through millions of awkward rejections a day amazes me, but I still don't feel bad enough to stop and say "Why yes, I would."

So there you have it, a tasty little morsel of what I, and many others experience as we try to make our way to work downtown everyday.  And so now the scene is set for what I experience in the gym that lays right below this infamous corner.

I'm a fan of the list so let's continue with that:

1.  One day I receive a phone call from a man who is frantically looking for the underwear he left in the men's locker room.  He asks me to get someone to go into the locker room, retrieve the underwear, and put them in the lost and found so he can come and pick them up later.  Ok, first of all, SICK!  Second of all, your underwear is your business, not ours.  Last, exactly why are these underwear SO important to you that you would risk the embarrassment of calling the gym to ask someone to go get them and keep them safe for you.  Weiiirdo.  Needless to say, no one would retrieve the his special panties, so when he showed up at the gym a few days later and asked me if I had them, I had to lie and say "Sorry, we didn't find any."  He definitely pouted and I think a saw some tears in his eyes as he stood before me in disbelief.  Sorry dude.

2.  Henry is one of our regulars.  He comes in everyday at lunch toting his little rolly suitcase and wearing his rosary beads and what I would consider an over-sized safari hat.  It never fails that every time he walks up to me he says something along the lines of "Hello, God bless you, what a blessed day it is in the name of Jesus Christ our savior."  To which I usually reply, "Why yes it is, have a great workout today."  To which he replies, "Thank you, bless you, Jesus is great and God is the only way, we are so blessed and today is blessed in the name of Jesus, and the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, God bless you, thank you Jesus and Mary, John 3:16, the lamb of God, Amen, God bless you."  I am a Christian, and I think Henry has good intentions but he definitely over-does it.  The other day our General Manager had to rescue a man who was been chastised by Henry in the bathroom because the man said he is a Christian but non-denominational.  This did not appease Henry one bit, as he proceeded to yell at the man because "God gave the keys to the Catholics" and everyone else is going to hell.  Henry may be a bit off his rocker, but he sure can rock that elliptical machine!

3.  I will end with this one for now (even though I have many more stories because this blog is getting way too long).  A man came in the other day to buy a day pass to workout.  He was a larger man with some nice long greasy hair and a cut off t-shirt.  Let's just say he wasn't the easiest on the eyes, or nostrils for that matter.  Anywho, I give him his day pass and he runs off to the locker room only to return 5 minutes later to ask me if we sale vaseline.  I of course reply no and ponder to myself the awkwardness of that question, while he surprisingly goes on to tell why exactly he needs the vaseline:  "Man, I'm gonna need to go get some out of my car then because if I don't have it, things start to chafe down there and it's just not comfortable."  Why thank you for that quite unnecessary piece of information and lovely mental picture of your man bits.  

And now that we have all just thrown up in our mouths just a little, all I can say is KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD BROTHER!